Signs, Tactics of an Abuser

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She won’t leave.  Why won’t she leave?  Or in some cases he.  He is clearly a psychopath and an abuser, EVERYONE sees it.  The signs are there.

We all ask that.  We make the victim of abuse sound stupid, pitiful, like they have a very clear choice.  How wrong we are.

Abuse comes in so many forms.  Some never suffer the pain of a fist, but do suffer the constant verbal slams that through them into such a dark abyss that they can’t get up, they can’t breathe, they can’t see their worth.  They can’t get up.

First I want to address the signs of an abuser.  If anyone sees these, perhaps it’s one step closer to helping the person being abused and taking power away from the coward that is the abuser.

Of course no one begins dating an abuser.  No one in their right mind would.  First comes the charm, the ‘smarts’ the pouring out of compliments, and he lifts you up, he makes you feel like he is your soul mate and there is absolutely no one else in this world that would ever make you feel the way he does.  He is the Cowboy Casanova as some would say.  He makes you feel like he can actually protect you from the world that maybe in some ways has hurt you.  And here’s the thing, an abuser knows how to pick his targets, the ones who have been broken a bit and because when you are broken you seek to depend on someone he knows he can be that crutch…and he will be that for a little bit.  He will rescue you and then the manipulation starts.

You see, now he will convince you of all the things you need to be rescued from.  Number one thing that needs to go is anyone that can see him as a threat.  Who might that be?  If you have family, that has got to go, so he will ‘rescue’ you from that.  Friends?  Yup, your friends are bad, they are stupid, they are too stuck up, their morals are to uptight, they ‘wouldn’t understand our love’.  He sets up an ‘us against the world’ mentality.  He sets up a fiction world where he is the only hero in the victim’s world.  If possible he will move the victim as far from those the victim knows as possible.  If a friend has plans, he has more important plans, or he is sick and needs your care.  SOMETHING will happen where you will NOT be allowed to see your friends and if you do it will be with a tainted mentality that he has already planted in your mind.

Also according to About the Issue “Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior characterized by the intent to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner or other family members. The abuse can be established over time and in most cases, it begins subtly with insults, a shove or by alienating the survivor from family and friends. With time, the abusive behavior can be more frequent and severe.” 

The key thing, there is always an excuse that excuses the abuser’s behavior.  Often, the victim is the problem.  “If you understood me better, if you did this better, you know I have this issue! Etc.”  An abuser rarely if ever takes ownership.  An apology will be offered but it is usually followed with “But maybe next time you shouldn’t, or should be careful not to provoke me….”

Feelings of course are central here too.  They always are.  Because the victim LOVES the abuser, that is the whole part of the ENTIRE manipulation, the feeling game and the abuser will play on that until the victim sees it for what it is and gets the courage to either reach out for help and walk away.  But it is not that easy depending on how violent he/she is.  This is why I write this.  If you are seeing these signs in anyone, or if you are in the beginning of such a relationship, walk away while you still can, because believe me, an abuser only escalates.  He might be only verbally abusive today, maybe for years, but soon he/she WILL escalate.  It’s only a matter of when.

You may think you can change him…like in the movies.  That you are the Beauty and he is the Beast that can be tamed.  Please understand that you do not have such power.  I firmly believe only God can change a person.  Such people need deep professional help, and you are not it.

You might be convinced he is the underdog you have to save that everyone else has cast aside.  While believe me, I am a firm believer in second chances, and I seek out the forgotten and lonely…understand that an abuser only plays on these sentiment for what he/she can gain.

What are they seeking to gain?

It is different in each situation.  In some, it is money.  In some it is power.  In some it is affection at the cost of beating you and not allowing you to give that affection to ANYONE ELSE (but notice that he is allowed to give affection to anyone he pleases).  There is always a double standard with an abuser.

You might leave your family and friends, and maybe for a while he might too…but he won’t leave them forever.  He/she will NEVER do that because the goal was to get YOU away from your family and friends…not the other way around.

To those who see these sighs of abuse (in a neighbor, co-worker, friend), don’t let them withdraw.  If you know where they live, constantly visit, make the abuser know that you are watching and that the victim is not alone.  Don’t confront the abuser, but be there for the victim until the victim is willing to reach out to you.  When that happens, seek out law enforcement.  Do not be silent.  Do not be a shadow.  Learn to survive.

Every ‘Fetus’ DESERVES a chance at life, aborting it is murder.

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Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations.”

Genesis 38:8-10
“Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.” Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. 1But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.”

Yesterday someone shared one of my posts asking (this person stated they are Christian otherwise this question and responses might not be so disturbing and might be understandable since they are not claiming to be a follower of the heavenly Father):
“Can someone please explain to me why planned parenthood is compared to Hitler? It’s seems that when Christians are opposed to something they always compare it with Hitler. I’m Catholic and I personally wouldn’t get an abortion, but I wouldn’t hate a woman that did. I also find nothing wrong with using an aborted fetus for research.”

and

“The fetus would have next to no chance surviving at that point. Unless it takes a breath it’s not a baby.”

and

“In all honesty, those fetuses are important. Research is important. It helps. Nothing Hitler did helped. So there is no true comparison”

I will say that if anyone claims to be Christian and yet still upholds abortion, they need to read the Bible. No one is forcing anyone to be Christian or claim to be Christian, but again if we claim to be Christian we need to not call right or good what God calls evil and an abomination. If you don’t agree with God, then simply don’t put an image of following Him when you really can’t stand that God DOES say what is right and wrong and what He says is right and wrong offends you.

It’s interesting to me how a ‘fetus’ is not a baby until it takes a breath (and in some circles even THAT’S debatable), and yet pro choice has NO PROBLEM whatsoever using BODY PARTS for research. This is the problem with society, a person, a living thing becomes nothing more than an OBJECT to profit off of (do research on to help others who interestingly enough were ‘worthy’ enough to be allowed life).

Abortion, no matter how you cut it, is an extremely selfish murderous act that is legalized. If I was pregnant right now and my life was in danger and there had to be a choice between me and the baby, in my mind there is no choice at all, to kill another life in order to save another is unacceptable. If I was raped and became pregnant from that violation, how the heck is that the baby’s fault?????????? Again, punishing a life that didn’t even have a choice for something someone else did. Abortion is void of love. It is all about me, me, me, me and how I don’t ‘suffer’ because of the child forming inside me.

Where has love gone in this world? And by love I mean that selfless, self sacrificing kind, not the tingly crap going around like a virus. I don’t mean the all about ‘how I feel’ kind of love where if something is inconvenient or even slightly uncomfortable I leave or abort.

I am a single mom with three BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING children. Would life be more comfortable and easy without them? Well, strictly from a materialistic perspective, heck yea. I would be able to spend more money on me, maybe I’d be able to party more or hang out with friends or travel, etc. But from an actual lasting, meaningful perspective that goes beyond the materialistic, heck no!!!! No matter how hart it gets from a physical materialistic perspective, my kid’s lives, laughter, souls, FAR outweigh any hardship. It could easily be argued that when I look at my kids I might suffer pain and discomfort because they might remind me of my unfaithful, abusive husband…but that would be the stupidest thing to argue. How in the world is that the kids fault? Same thing goes with rape.

This all being said look at the verses below dealing with life, and then tell me that the LIFE forming in the womb is NOT a life until it breathes. If you can still say THAT, don’t bother claiming loyalty to God because you will answer to him for the blood of the babies being MURDERED for the sake of ‘research’ for those privileged enough to have been given a chance to live already. Those little souls will one day look at you on the other side of eternity and you will be condemned for the role you played in not allowing them life.

Also, we tend to blame God for AIDS, Cancer and other afflictions with no cures or not always effective cures…well if Jeremia 1:5 is right, then you have ABORTED those cures. God had a plan for each of those LIVES, but you ABORTED, you MURDERED those plans….so next time you begin to blame God…close that mouth if you had any part in supporting abortion..

And you might perhaps say that this is a hateful rant. I beg to differ. I don’t hate those who have had abortion because even after the fact God still offers forgiveness, but I absolutely HATE that act that takes a life. We can beautify it with ‘noble’ intents, but murder is murder even if it is done to benefit another life. It is EVIL in the eyes of God.

Also, I will say it is a crying shame when an animal is more protected than a ‘fetus’.  For example a Bald Eagle Egg is more protected than an unborn child (there are no fines or punishments from the government for aborting a baby, yet there are fines and you can do jail time for doing damage to a Bald Eagle Egg).  The egg of a Bald Eagle is valued as a potential life simply because it was endangered.  Don’t believe me, read on:

“The bald eagle will continue to be protected by the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act even though it has been delisted under the Endangered Species Act. This law, originally passed in 1940, provides for the protection of the bald eagle and the golden eagle (as amended in 1962) by prohibiting the take, possession, sale, purchase, barter, offer to sell, purchase or barter, transport, export or import, of any bald or golden eagle, alive or dead, including any part, nest, or egg, unless allowed by permit Bald Eagle sitting in tree (16 U.S.C. 668(a); 50 CFR 22). “Take” includes pursue, shoot, shoot at, poison, wound, kill, capture, trap, collect, molest or disturb (16 U.S.C. 668c; 50 CFR 22.3). The 1972 amendments increased civil penalties for violating provisions of the Act to a maximum fine of $5,000 or one year imprisonment with $10,000 or not more than two years in prison for a second conviction. Felony convictions carry a maximum fine of $250,000 or two years of imprisonment. The fine doubles for an organization. Rewards are provided for information leading to arrest and conviction for violation of the Act.”  From:  http://www.fws.gov/midwest/eagle/protect/laws.html

If you are not Christian please understand I am not ranting against you so much as I am speaking against those who say they follow God and yet partake in what God says is wrong.  A life is precious.  Life is a GIFT, not a curse.  The fact that you are even reading this means someone thought it was worth personal sacrifice to give birth to you.  You are one that was welcomed into this world.  You are one who had and opportunity to make a good or a bad life.  You are a gift and were valued as such.  Sure there are those who are born into bad families, but even so you are still a gift even if they don’t value you.  My point is life is PRICELESS.  You are worth MORE than a Bald Eagle (though I do love Bald Eagles and other animals for they are also a marvelous part of God’s creation).  You were worth Jesus dying on the cross for so that you can enjoy eternal life.  Every life should (every ‘fetus’ if you insist on calling it that) have the opportunity to LIVE.

Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations.”

Genesis 38:8-10
“Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.” Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.”

LUKEWARM CHRISTIAN HE WILL SPIT YOU OUT

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REVELATION 3:16 (nasb)

16 So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.

I honestly can’t say that I’m surprised.  This past week I have seen people who are ashamed of Christ who cowered behind political correctness and ‘tolerance’ (which by the way if you haven’t noticed…is NOT given back).  I have seen this mantra repeated over and over to the point of making me sick:  God is love.  (Period)  But as I mentioned in my previous post…He is so much more:  He is just, He takes vengeance, He is forgiving, He is merciful,  He is all knowing, He is holy and perfect without a single flaw.  None of those were mentioned by any of the lukewarm Christians.

I am not surprised or shocked at the way people who don’t claim to be Christian act (they at least have the excuse of not knowing God on a personal level), but CHRISTIANS who claim to know God and His word condoning the homosexual lifestyle is inexcusable….for heaven’s sake at least don’t claim to be Christian, no one is forcing you to bear that name.  Perhaps these people are timid and afraid to loose a friend if they express what the Bible says on this subject.  Perhaps they think God will compromise on what He said not to do.  Perhaps they think they are being loving.  But I ask you, if you truly believe in Christ and that the Bible says He is the only way, and that the Bible tells what is right and what is wrong…how in the world do you consider it being loving not to tell a person that because they don’t know Christ they are going to hell?  Don’t you want to see that friend in heaven?  Are you so selfish that you won’t put your fears aside and lovingly but boldly speak the truth about what the Bible says instead of sugaring things up?  That dear on is hate, not love…because for the sake of not offending someone you will not tell that person the truth that could have saved them…what if no one else will put that choice before them and tomorrow they die?  How will you be able to have a clear conscience that the person you called friend will eternally suffer because you couldn’t sit down and put before them the choice of forgiveness that is offered by Jesus Christ?  That person’s blood will be asked out of your hands…and you dear lukewarm Christian will be spit out of God’s mouth.

I wonder what would have happened if Jesus did not speak out, if He let fear stop Him from going to the cross.  You dear Christian know what would have happened…hell would await us all if our ransom for our sins (mistakes, lies, adultery, cheating, hate, stealing, gossiping, homosexuality, drunkenness, etc).

I wonder how you dear lukewarm Christian would feel when you stand before the Savior He will be just as ashamed of you as you are of Him and His word?

Luke 9:26 (NASB)

26 For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when He comes in His glory, and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.

That dear lukewarm Christian is what will happen.

I am not saying to be hateful, but I am saying not to cower.  Standing for the truth is never, ever easy…and most of the time people hate the truth.  But the truth is always worth it because it is steady and unchanging.

Here is a quote that I love:

“Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.”

–Alexander Hamilton

CHOOSE NOW WHOM YOU WILL SERVE:

Joshua 24:15(NASB)

15 If it is disagreeable in your sight to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve: whether the gods which your fathers served which were beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living; but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

You can’t be both with this world that will one day perish and with God.  You really can’t have it both ways.  Either you will please one and anger another and visa versa.  Who would you rather anger?  The world which can judge your body?  Or  God who can judge your eternal soul.

To those who are not Christian and reading this, please understand that the above portion is not referring to you, it is strictly for those who claim to follow Jesus Christ.

For those who are not Christian and reading this blog I do have a message for you as well if you are willing to read on:

I don’t hate you.  If I don’t agree with your lifestyle does not mean that I hate you.  For example, you might be perfectly okay with sleeping around before marriage, whereas I am not, I believe in giving that kind of love to one person.  But if your lifestyle is like that I do not hate you.  The same if you are homosexual.  Please understand my conviction and that of my fellow Christians.  We believe in a loving, just, holy, perfect God who has the best intentions for all on this planet (therefore the laws He gives are given to protect our bodies from disease and our souls from hell).  If I as a Christian that something is not pleasing to God according to the Bible, I do not say it with malice or hate…sure, I DO get fired up…it is how I express myself when I am passionate and I firmly believe something (perhaps you are the same in that perspective), but I don’t say it with malice or hate…I say it with passionate love, with a passionate desire that you come to know Jesus Christ so that you can know how awesome He is and that you would have a heavenly attorney who will when accused by satan of your every mistake and sin, He would be able to erase your sin and pay the ransom for your soul and give you entrance into heaven…not the eternal, painful prison of hell.  If I hated you, I wouldn’t bother writing this and I wouldn’t risk my good standing in your eyes.  If I hated you, I would keep silent and let you go to hell…because silence is often easier than speaking.

John 3:16(NASB)

16 “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

John 8:9-11 (NASB)

When they heard it, they began to go out one by one, beginning with the older ones, and He was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the center of the court. 10 Straightening up, Jesus said to her, “Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?” 11 She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said,“I do not condemn you, either. Go. From now on sin no more.”

What you need to know about following Jesus is this:

–If you come to Him and accept Him into your heart and soul, and ask forgiveness for your sins (your wrongs), He WILL forgive your EVERY sin.

–He will begin to change you and through His word will teach you right from wrong.

–As with the woman caught in adultery (in the above verse mentioned) He plainly told her He does not condemn her…and yet He ALSO told her FROM NOW ON SIN NO MORE.  Meaning He was telling her to stop living a lifestyle that is not according to the word of God.  (Jesus had saved this woman from being stoned to death for her sin).  When you come to Him and ask forgiveness and you accept Him as your Lord and Savior, your RESCUER from satan, HE FORGIVES YOU, you get A BRAND NEW FRESH START IN THE EYES OF HEAVEN (consequences on earth may still remain, however you name is written permanently God’s book of Life)…when you come to Him and ask for forgiveness, like I say he gives it, but just as with the adulterous woman He tells you: FROM NOW ON SIN NO MORE.

–Even after putting your life in His protective hands, you WILL still make mistakes…being a follower of Christ does not mean you are perfect.  It means that when you make a mistake you can come to Him and ask forgiveness and He will help you start again.  (Please understand that there is no way you can take advantage of God…He knows your heart, if you are sincere or not)  Still, you are a new creation through Jesus and when that day of Judgement comes and satan (who DOES remember every mistake and sin) comes before the throne of God to tell Him why you should go to hell, Jesus Christ will stand in front of you and God will declare you pure and clean, because when Jesus stands as your advocate, He wins (He paid your ransom with His blood).

I pray that God will lead you to Him dear reader, I pray that if not on this earth…I shall see you there in heaven (and against contrary belief….God is not a boring God who made a boring heaven, there will be wonders untold that I look forward to discovering along with you!)

Those Brokenhearted and Crushed in Spirit

Looking at the world today, I cannot help but see and hate all the pain and injustice I see. Fellow human beings killing other fellow human beings. The rich taking advantage of the less fortunate or those who have lost much. Loss after loss, storm after storm.
What is worse is seeing those who gain the ‘world’ by stepping on others prosper. One cannot help but think: Why God? Why do those who do wrong prosper? Why do those who hurt others rise so high? Don’t you see? Don’t you hear the cries of those who are brokenhearted, those who’s spirit is crushed beneath the weight of injustice?
The situation in Iraq and Syria and Israel are grave. Innocents killed by those who have guns, and hate, and power, and so-called religion on theirs side. Where are you God?
It is my prayer that God will intervene there and quickly and that He hears their cry.
It is my prayer that those who walk over those who are completely broken will face God’s justice and fairness.
What does someone who is crushed in spirit look like?
It is someone who encounters loss after loss, storm after storm (and the storms still don’t stop). It is someone who has lost a loved one, then lost possessions, then barely makes it, and cries for mercy, yet finds none. I know my family and I have fallen into that category. It is someone who on top of the storms receives mockery from those who should be there for them. It is someone who in those hardships, they receive thoughtless advice that is hollow because it shows carelessness instead of love. It is those who have suffered abuse. It is those who work so hard and are so tired but they push on because after all so many depend upon them.
Who are the brokenhearted?
It is those who have given love a chance and time after time love turned out to be only a word thrown into the wind. It is those who have given all of themselves but received nothing of the same in return.

There is a Psalm that talks about those who fall into the above categories, and it describes what happens when they cry out to God (the Father).

Psalm 34: 17-22
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;
he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.
Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him. (NIV)

Read that again if you have to. It says the righteous have MANY troubles. It doesn’t say that troubles, calamities, hardships, heartbreaks do not come on those who trust in God. But still, even so, God steps in when we cry out to him.

In the past few weeks, or rather years we have gone through such troubles…and still going through them. The heart grows faint, the spirit is crushed. By crushed I mean faith is almost non-existent. I know some of you are encountering the same thing. You are in that place where you question God as a result of the lost hope. You wonder if those who have done wrong to you will always prosper while you always work, work, work, toil, toil, toil, cry, cry, cry. Words of ‘encouragement’ from friends become void of meaning. It becomes like Job and those ‘well-meaning’ friends (that in the end God told them to ask Job to pray for them) who kept admonishing him for his doubts and kept trying to show him how he was wrong to be angry with God or doubt him. But you see, those friends had not lost everything, had not lost everyone…they were in all likelihood prosperous friends, who had not lost anything…maybe even happy that Job was no longer rich like he had been (that he had lost EVERYTHING), maybe they were happy that now, in the position and station of life they were ABOVE him. It was easy for them to admonish and give advice from their higher position. But read to the end and see what God told them. Understand dear one, that your suffering might go on for years before you have a time of rest (we are still going through it), but the end does come.

Please understand that one day, after the patience of God has been used up (for he is patient and merciful and gives chance after chance for the evil to change their ways), there will come a day when he will come in like a raging storm. He will be just and fair and He WILL come to your defense in just that moment when you cry out to him that you CAN’T anymore. In that day you will testify that Proverbs 21:15 is true.

Proverbs 21:15 When justice is done, it brings joy to the righteous but terror to evildoers.

Understand also that when you pour out your heart to your friends, if they have not walked where you have walked, they will most likely not understand. In fact they may hurt you further. Some might do that intentionally, some unintentionally. Put your faith in God, cry to Him. Still, there will be those along the way that come into your life that will hold you and let you cry, and not say a word…just simply wipe your tears and let you rant. Some will help you in ways you don’t expect.

Why do I write this? For many reasons. A bit from personal pain at seeing those who at one time we helped turn their back on you when they are needed most. It is like Job. When he was wealthy those friends who admonished him probably were close to him (maybe hoping to gain from his prosperity). He might have helped them get to where they got. But in the days of his suffering they condemned him. Also I write because I know my family and I are not alone in what we are going through. There are so many who have lost all strength and hope that things will change. There are those who week after week, even day after day encounter more and more hardship. To those I want to remind you of Job’s ending. Yes in the beginning he lost absolutely everything (children, workers, possessions, friends), but in the END he was given DOUBLE what he lost. Those who condemned him, were humbled by God Himself. Did that erase the previous hurt and loss? I don’t think so. But healing began when God stepped in and interrupted his doubts and interrupted his ‘friend’s’ rants and simply put said: ENOUGH.
That time will come for us, I have faith that God is not blind. That time will come for those who are persecuted in Iraq, Syria, Israel and other places. He hears the cry of their very blood given for their faith and love. That time will come for you, He will gather you in His arms. Please don’t give up. I know it’s hard. I know it seems like it won’t ever end. I know it seems like all who are left are those who laugh or mock or make your pain seem irrelevant. Please know that to HIM what you feel is everything, he loves you, and He will rescue you, He will be your shelter and defender. Those who mock you now will one day face God the Father’s fairness and justice…and perhaps that might mean vengeance. Vengeance is the Lord’s. That is hard to accept, that is hard to trust. But know, that His vengeance is better than yours.
One last thing, and this is hard…when that day comes, when He steps in and says enough, yes, he will admonish and convict your enemies…but He may also ask you to pray for them.