Signs, Tactics of an Abuser

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She won’t leave.  Why won’t she leave?  Or in some cases he.  He is clearly a psychopath and an abuser, EVERYONE sees it.  The signs are there.

We all ask that.  We make the victim of abuse sound stupid, pitiful, like they have a very clear choice.  How wrong we are.

Abuse comes in so many forms.  Some never suffer the pain of a fist, but do suffer the constant verbal slams that through them into such a dark abyss that they can’t get up, they can’t breathe, they can’t see their worth.  They can’t get up.

First I want to address the signs of an abuser.  If anyone sees these, perhaps it’s one step closer to helping the person being abused and taking power away from the coward that is the abuser.

Of course no one begins dating an abuser.  No one in their right mind would.  First comes the charm, the ‘smarts’ the pouring out of compliments, and he lifts you up, he makes you feel like he is your soul mate and there is absolutely no one else in this world that would ever make you feel the way he does.  He is the Cowboy Casanova as some would say.  He makes you feel like he can actually protect you from the world that maybe in some ways has hurt you.  And here’s the thing, an abuser knows how to pick his targets, the ones who have been broken a bit and because when you are broken you seek to depend on someone he knows he can be that crutch…and he will be that for a little bit.  He will rescue you and then the manipulation starts.

You see, now he will convince you of all the things you need to be rescued from.  Number one thing that needs to go is anyone that can see him as a threat.  Who might that be?  If you have family, that has got to go, so he will ‘rescue’ you from that.  Friends?  Yup, your friends are bad, they are stupid, they are too stuck up, their morals are to uptight, they ‘wouldn’t understand our love’.  He sets up an ‘us against the world’ mentality.  He sets up a fiction world where he is the only hero in the victim’s world.  If possible he will move the victim as far from those the victim knows as possible.  If a friend has plans, he has more important plans, or he is sick and needs your care.  SOMETHING will happen where you will NOT be allowed to see your friends and if you do it will be with a tainted mentality that he has already planted in your mind.

Also according to About the Issue “Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior characterized by the intent to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner or other family members. The abuse can be established over time and in most cases, it begins subtly with insults, a shove or by alienating the survivor from family and friends. With time, the abusive behavior can be more frequent and severe.” 

The key thing, there is always an excuse that excuses the abuser’s behavior.  Often, the victim is the problem.  “If you understood me better, if you did this better, you know I have this issue! Etc.”  An abuser rarely if ever takes ownership.  An apology will be offered but it is usually followed with “But maybe next time you shouldn’t, or should be careful not to provoke me….”

Feelings of course are central here too.  They always are.  Because the victim LOVES the abuser, that is the whole part of the ENTIRE manipulation, the feeling game and the abuser will play on that until the victim sees it for what it is and gets the courage to either reach out for help and walk away.  But it is not that easy depending on how violent he/she is.  This is why I write this.  If you are seeing these signs in anyone, or if you are in the beginning of such a relationship, walk away while you still can, because believe me, an abuser only escalates.  He might be only verbally abusive today, maybe for years, but soon he/she WILL escalate.  It’s only a matter of when.

You may think you can change him…like in the movies.  That you are the Beauty and he is the Beast that can be tamed.  Please understand that you do not have such power.  I firmly believe only God can change a person.  Such people need deep professional help, and you are not it.

You might be convinced he is the underdog you have to save that everyone else has cast aside.  While believe me, I am a firm believer in second chances, and I seek out the forgotten and lonely…understand that an abuser only plays on these sentiment for what he/she can gain.

What are they seeking to gain?

It is different in each situation.  In some, it is money.  In some it is power.  In some it is affection at the cost of beating you and not allowing you to give that affection to ANYONE ELSE (but notice that he is allowed to give affection to anyone he pleases).  There is always a double standard with an abuser.

You might leave your family and friends, and maybe for a while he might too…but he won’t leave them forever.  He/she will NEVER do that because the goal was to get YOU away from your family and friends…not the other way around.

To those who see these sighs of abuse (in a neighbor, co-worker, friend), don’t let them withdraw.  If you know where they live, constantly visit, make the abuser know that you are watching and that the victim is not alone.  Don’t confront the abuser, but be there for the victim until the victim is willing to reach out to you.  When that happens, seek out law enforcement.  Do not be silent.  Do not be a shadow.  Learn to survive.

Court Upholds Anti-Religious Ruling In Discrimination Case

I find this to be beyond sad. I pray for this family and that God will defend them.

uicnews


Oregon- Oregon Labor Commissioner Brad Avakian issued the final order to Melissa and Aaron Klein to pay a fine of $135,000 to a lesbian couple, Rachel Bowman-Cryer, and her partner Laurel Bowman-Cryer after refusing service for religious reasons, as they upheld their beliefs in traditional marriage and did not wish to take part in serving to a lesbian wedding.

”We stand for God’s truth, God’s Word and freedom for ALL Americans,” and “We are here to obey God, not man…” were some quotes from the Sweet Cakes by Melissa Facebook page.

The Klein’s lawyer was reported as saying “Avakian’s orders are further proof that the state is trying to force businesses they don’t politically agree with to conform.”

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Christian Indie Conference, Anyone? Post by Mary C. Findley

For Christian Indie Authors…

FINDLEY FAMILY VIDEO

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The original Christian Indie Authors Network will hold its first official Christian Indie Author Conference July 30- August 2, 2015, at the Radisson Quad City Plaza Hotel and Convention Center, 111 East Second Street, Davenport, Iowa, 52801.

I chose the image at the top because one of the themes of the Christian Indie Author Network is “A light in a dark place”. Books nowadays are getting to be pretty dark — focusing on vampire romance, demonic influence, serial killers, and so many other topics without shining the light on the hope, comfort, and heavenward focus we can have with Christ.

Please consider joining us at this conference. It’s for writers, with educational opportunities and promotional ones. I will be teaching two sessions: One on Book Cover Design for those with limited means but who still want a professional-looking cover, and one one formatting your ebook without being afraid it will…

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Say Something

http://www.godvine.com/What-This-Duo-Sings-at-3-40-Is-So-True-fb-gv–5498.html

This couple’s Christian version of the popular song, “Say Something” gave me chills.

It’s amazing how God can speak through a song. Life is so hard and then comes a song that casts away all the demons of life…literally. It’s just like David and Saul in the Bible..when David sang the demons fled.
Perhaps you have and are still having a hard life…maybe you believe in God, you just don’t LOVE Him like you used to. Maybe this is because life has worn away that love, satan has tried to tarnish it by brokeness. But God is still chasing us. He wants to “Say Something” through this song and that is:
He’s not giving up on you. The whole world may give up, every single person might cast you aside like a rag…but He won’t. He’ll make something beautiful out of what the worlds sees as a rag.
I write this blog post as much for you my readers as I do for myself.
So long I have been broken.
So long I’ve wondered where He is.
So long I have wondered why He has left me and given up on me.
So long I have wondered…of my worth.
Much of this is due to lies I have and still continue at times to believe. Lies that have come through a broken relationship from a person that was supposed to be my forever love, the one I said ‘I do’ to. And yet that love faded and transformed into something grotesquely ugly and painful both for me and the children. And yet…God rescued me from that…no matter how much that rescue hurt and sometimes still hurts…He RESCUED me and my children out of something that could have turned much worse. I am CHERISHED that much. I am LOVED that much….and I am BEAUTIFUL TO HIM (the only one that matters).
The same is true for you.
God is rescuing you…but that salvation may hurt, it may come dangerously and turbulently…just like it is in the movies when a character is rescued from the bad guys. Sometimes we don’t want to be rescued…sometimes we grow attatched to our tourmentours and we even BELIEVE the lies the tourmentours feed us…ENOUGH.
Let Him rescue you.
He is saying something to you.
He is loving you.
He is not and WILL NOT give up on you.

MURPHY’S LAW FOR WRITERS

Recently I was speaking to a customer who’s appliance had broken, she was frustrated…but not just because the appliance, but also because they had run over a deer with their car (very expensive to fix the car…and poor deer).  In the course of the conversation she had a great positive attitude despite the frustration and she laughingly mentioned ‘Murphy’s Law’ (this theory basically states that anything that can go wrong….will go wrong).  In life this theory seems to be true, doesn’t it?

Well whether it’s true or not in life, I will tell you right here and right now that it MUST be true in fictional writing.  A good story will have a LOT of conflict (otherwise no one will bother to read it).  So, as you’re writing and you come up with conflict, ask yourself:  How can I make this situation ten times harder for my main character(s)?  (Of course you will also have to find a genius way of getting them OUT of the situation too).  Don’t let that intense scene end after just a few paragraphs, pull your readers in emotionally.  Make your reader FEEL that bullet.  Make your reader want to cry (even though they’ve never cried in their lives before).  Make your reader commit to the story by putting your character into such an impossible situation that they can’t imagine how they will ever get out of it.  (Of course you BETTER have a good way out)  Also, I would say make sure that you leave ‘bread crumbs’ or clues that will hint to what that way out might be.  Don’t just all of a sudden give your characters super powers when along the way of the whole story they didn’t have them….

Dreaming in the midst of reality

Here I go dreaming again.  It is who I am.  A dreamer…always.  Yet reality tries to intrude, reality tries to say:  “Your dream is impossible, get your head out of the clouds.”

I say:  “No.”

Yes, indeed, we have to deal with certain realities, but dreams are what keeps us going.  Dreams are our passions, our hopes, they are what we aspire to be.

For me to dream is easy.  I am an artist.  The funny thing about artists is we don’t only focus on one art.  (I haven’t yet met an artist who only likes one form of art)  We dream big, colossal dreams.  My biggest passion is writing, that is my world–the world in which I express my doubts, fears, hopes, dreams, joys….everything.  Yet I love and hope to dabble in other forms of art too.  Singing for example is another, to me a song is like a prayer (or perhaps the heart’s wish).  Sketching is the next, I love capturing emotions through a pencil and eraser.  There is one I haven’t yet tried…but will soon…and that is acting.

Why do I love all of these?  Why is art so important to me?  I believe very firmly that in art we put a little bit of ourselves in it…and we expose it to the world.  It is our battle cry.  It is the way we say:  This is who I am, this is what I believe, this is where I have been, and this is what I stand for.

Recently I have started watching the show 24 and I am hooked.  I said to my family (with a deep deep sigh):  I love that actor Kiefer Sutherland (who acts as Jack Bower).  To which they replied:  He’s only a character.  And my reply is, yes indeed, but you have to wonder how much of himself he put into that role…  I do this will all movies I watch, or books I read, or songs I listen to.  I ask myself:  How much of themselves did the artist put into this of themselves?

So, back to dreaming.   Yes I dream.  I will always dream, even if the dream at times may be a nightmare.  Perhaps one day these dreams will come true…perhaps yours will too…but if you never dream…YOU WILL NEVER KNOW.  So: DARE TO DREAM BIG!

Fantine~~Les Miserables~~

Today on my lunch break I found myself reading Les Miserables.  Indeed the book is very descriptive (for those who are not patient to get through descriptions may never get to the gold of this book).

Alas, I got to the part where Fantine has reached rock bottom (or what she thought was rock bottom).  She had no more hope.  Life had stolen all hope from her.  Earlier we see a picture of her as a joyous young lady, full of life and dreams, indeed she had fallen in love for the first and last time…with a scoundrel.  Yet from this love a child is birthed…Cosette (Euphrasie) and quickly becomes the central focus of Fantine’s life.  For even though she has lost in love, she has gained a beautiful, angelic child…from which she must part so she can provide for her.

Fantine thinks she’s doing right when she leaves her daughter with the Thenardiers (evil).  They are her undoing.  As time passes they demand more and more money from her that never gets to her beloved daughter.

Fantine lived in a time when having a child out of wedlock meant she most likely couldn’t find a job (thus why she traveled so far to escape the stain of her past). 

For a little while it begins to look like life has begun to smile down on her again…she has hope when she finds a job in a factory ran by a kind gentleman (with a dark past of his own that none know about, which he has risen above), a gentleman by the name of Monsieur Madeleine.  Yet her past seeks her out and finds her all too quickly through a gossipy and hateful old women who I chose not to even name (I despise her character), and so the overseer–whom Monsieur Madeleine has entrusted to oversee the women of his factory–finds out about Fantine’s child that was born out of wedlock…and thus she looses her only income.  She, however is resourceful and takes up sewing for soldiers, yet even that is cut short all too soon.  Bad fortune becomes even worse until she is forced into prostitution.  My heart broke for this lovely woman who lost all loveliness.  And yet right when all seems lost Monsieur Madeleine rescues her from the worst.  He had not known that he had been the cause of her problems, yet he sees his mistake right away. 

There is a scene that deeply touched me today and it is the following:

 

“I have heard you.  It’s all news to me.  I believe it’s true and I feel it’s true.  I didn’t even know you had left my workshop.  Why didn’t you come and see me in person?  But here’s how it will be:  I will pay your debts, I will have your child come to you, or you will go to her  You will live here, or in Paris, or wherever you like.  I will look after your child and you.  You will never have to work again, if you don’t want to.  I will give you all the money you need.  You will go back to being an honest woman by being happy again.  And, listen, I tell you here and now, if all is as you say, and I don’t doubt it for a second, you have never stopped being virtuous and holy in the eyes of God.  O, you poor, poor woman!” (Les Miserables pg 167)

 

This touches me on many levels.  Here is a man.  Here is a rescuer.  Here is one who sees the wrong he has done and is willing to rectify his grievous error…he is willing to show mercy where no one else has.  He is Fantine’s savior. 

Why do I like this?

Well, how many women have been in situations like this?   (Or perhaps not as bad but maybe quite close).  How many women have found themselves single mothers, whether by divorce, or wedlock, or abuse, or unfaithfulness?  How many of these women are looked down upon and are forced to work themselves to death and still life gets worse?  How many?  I felt myself relating to Fantine. 

I had loved a man, I had loved a scoundrel.  I married that man.  I have three children from that marriage.  I have endured his unfaithfulness, verbal abuse and then physical abuse.  Then I was free.  Yet I was not fully free because life with it’s burdens and worries and fears kept pressing down.  I saw no hope.  I only saw a life where things and people I cared about were taken from me.  Yet there is of course hope.  Hope endures.  Perhaps at times that hope only comes when we are at the end of our rope.  Perhaps we have to go through the darkest valleys before our ‘Savior’ comes. 

Fantine gives me hope and Monsieur Madeleine perhaps is who I strive for.  Perhaps that us women should know that that Monsieur Madeleine perhaps may in fact be our Savior…but perhaps he is not who we think he is…perhaps this man represents Jesus…or perhaps he represents who Jesus sends to us.  Regardless of which…hope endures.

If you’re a single mother and you give all for your children, hold on a little bit more.  This is what I learned from Les Miserables today (a lesson well learned).

Buy the books support the orphans of Romania

orphans

As some of you know I was born in Romania, I lived there until I was eight years old. As a young girl I experienced many things, one of which was the fall of communism. I have a deep love for my home country as I do for the country I now reside in.
Back in the year 2000 I went on a mission trip to Romania with a group called Speranta (Hope) and in so doing I had the privilage of meeting orphans that were in much need of love. In recent years I have come in contact with a person by the name of Cornel Ilioi who has a charity that ministers to those who have no parents, to the orphans of Romania. He has a ministry called Live and Light Ministries that reaches out to these children. Because of this I have decided to contribute as much as I can to this ministry. How? Simple. Each month as I get my deposit from Amazon for my books, ten percent will go to this ministry. How can you help? Spread the word, buy the books, leave amazon reviews for each one you read. I will include the link to my Amazon author page at the bottom of this post.
Also here is a link to the facebook page for Life and Light Ministries in case you would like to support this ministry directly:
https://www.facebook.com/#!/lifeandlightministry?fref=ts

Also here is the link to my author page on Amazon where you will be able to purchase all my books which are available in kindle (ebook) format and paperback:
http://www.amazon.com/Evangheline-Farcas/e/B005LL8JEM/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1

If you would like to join my facebook fan page click on the link bellow:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hadassahs-Watchman/133730916659199?ref=tn_tnmn