Signs, Tactics of an Abuser

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She won’t leave.  Why won’t she leave?  Or in some cases he.  He is clearly a psychopath and an abuser, EVERYONE sees it.  The signs are there.

We all ask that.  We make the victim of abuse sound stupid, pitiful, like they have a very clear choice.  How wrong we are.

Abuse comes in so many forms.  Some never suffer the pain of a fist, but do suffer the constant verbal slams that through them into such a dark abyss that they can’t get up, they can’t breathe, they can’t see their worth.  They can’t get up.

First I want to address the signs of an abuser.  If anyone sees these, perhaps it’s one step closer to helping the person being abused and taking power away from the coward that is the abuser.

Of course no one begins dating an abuser.  No one in their right mind would.  First comes the charm, the ‘smarts’ the pouring out of compliments, and he lifts you up, he makes you feel like he is your soul mate and there is absolutely no one else in this world that would ever make you feel the way he does.  He is the Cowboy Casanova as some would say.  He makes you feel like he can actually protect you from the world that maybe in some ways has hurt you.  And here’s the thing, an abuser knows how to pick his targets, the ones who have been broken a bit and because when you are broken you seek to depend on someone he knows he can be that crutch…and he will be that for a little bit.  He will rescue you and then the manipulation starts.

You see, now he will convince you of all the things you need to be rescued from.  Number one thing that needs to go is anyone that can see him as a threat.  Who might that be?  If you have family, that has got to go, so he will ‘rescue’ you from that.  Friends?  Yup, your friends are bad, they are stupid, they are too stuck up, their morals are to uptight, they ‘wouldn’t understand our love’.  He sets up an ‘us against the world’ mentality.  He sets up a fiction world where he is the only hero in the victim’s world.  If possible he will move the victim as far from those the victim knows as possible.  If a friend has plans, he has more important plans, or he is sick and needs your care.  SOMETHING will happen where you will NOT be allowed to see your friends and if you do it will be with a tainted mentality that he has already planted in your mind.

Also according to About the Issue “Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior characterized by the intent to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner or other family members. The abuse can be established over time and in most cases, it begins subtly with insults, a shove or by alienating the survivor from family and friends. With time, the abusive behavior can be more frequent and severe.” 

The key thing, there is always an excuse that excuses the abuser’s behavior.  Often, the victim is the problem.  “If you understood me better, if you did this better, you know I have this issue! Etc.”  An abuser rarely if ever takes ownership.  An apology will be offered but it is usually followed with “But maybe next time you shouldn’t, or should be careful not to provoke me….”

Feelings of course are central here too.  They always are.  Because the victim LOVES the abuser, that is the whole part of the ENTIRE manipulation, the feeling game and the abuser will play on that until the victim sees it for what it is and gets the courage to either reach out for help and walk away.  But it is not that easy depending on how violent he/she is.  This is why I write this.  If you are seeing these signs in anyone, or if you are in the beginning of such a relationship, walk away while you still can, because believe me, an abuser only escalates.  He might be only verbally abusive today, maybe for years, but soon he/she WILL escalate.  It’s only a matter of when.

You may think you can change him…like in the movies.  That you are the Beauty and he is the Beast that can be tamed.  Please understand that you do not have such power.  I firmly believe only God can change a person.  Such people need deep professional help, and you are not it.

You might be convinced he is the underdog you have to save that everyone else has cast aside.  While believe me, I am a firm believer in second chances, and I seek out the forgotten and lonely…understand that an abuser only plays on these sentiment for what he/she can gain.

What are they seeking to gain?

It is different in each situation.  In some, it is money.  In some it is power.  In some it is affection at the cost of beating you and not allowing you to give that affection to ANYONE ELSE (but notice that he is allowed to give affection to anyone he pleases).  There is always a double standard with an abuser.

You might leave your family and friends, and maybe for a while he might too…but he won’t leave them forever.  He/she will NEVER do that because the goal was to get YOU away from your family and friends…not the other way around.

To those who see these sighs of abuse (in a neighbor, co-worker, friend), don’t let them withdraw.  If you know where they live, constantly visit, make the abuser know that you are watching and that the victim is not alone.  Don’t confront the abuser, but be there for the victim until the victim is willing to reach out to you.  When that happens, seek out law enforcement.  Do not be silent.  Do not be a shadow.  Learn to survive.

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Court Upholds Anti-Religious Ruling In Discrimination Case

I find this to be beyond sad. I pray for this family and that God will defend them.

uicnews


Oregon- Oregon Labor Commissioner Brad Avakian issued the final order to Melissa and Aaron Klein to pay a fine of $135,000 to a lesbian couple, Rachel Bowman-Cryer, and her partner Laurel Bowman-Cryer after refusing service for religious reasons, as they upheld their beliefs in traditional marriage and did not wish to take part in serving to a lesbian wedding.

”We stand for God’s truth, God’s Word and freedom for ALL Americans,” and “We are here to obey God, not man…” were some quotes from the Sweet Cakes by Melissa Facebook page.

The Klein’s lawyer was reported as saying “Avakian’s orders are further proof that the state is trying to force businesses they don’t politically agree with to conform.”

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Christian Indie Conference, Anyone? Post by Mary C. Findley

For Christian Indie Authors…

Elk Jerky for the Soul

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The original Christian Indie Authors Network will hold its first official Christian Indie Author Conference July 30- August 2, 2015, at the Radisson Quad City Plaza Hotel and Convention Center, 111 East Second Street, Davenport, Iowa, 52801.

I chose the image at the top because one of the themes of the Christian Indie Author Network is “A light in a dark place”. Books nowadays are getting to be pretty dark — focusing on vampire romance, demonic influence, serial killers, and so many other topics without shining the light on the hope, comfort, and heavenward focus we can have with Christ.

Please consider joining us at this conference. It’s for writers, with educational opportunities and promotional ones. I will be teaching two sessions: One on Book Cover Design for those with limited means but who still want a professional-looking cover, and one one formatting your ebook without being afraid it will…

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Say Something

http://www.godvine.com/What-This-Duo-Sings-at-3-40-Is-So-True-fb-gv–5498.html

This couple’s Christian version of the popular song, “Say Something” gave me chills.

It’s amazing how God can speak through a song. Life is so hard and then comes a song that casts away all the demons of life…literally. It’s just like David and Saul in the Bible..when David sang the demons fled.
Perhaps you have and are still having a hard life…maybe you believe in God, you just don’t LOVE Him like you used to. Maybe this is because life has worn away that love, satan has tried to tarnish it by brokeness. But God is still chasing us. He wants to “Say Something” through this song and that is:
He’s not giving up on you. The whole world may give up, every single person might cast you aside like a rag…but He won’t. He’ll make something beautiful out of what the worlds sees as a rag.
I write this blog post as much for you my readers as I do for myself.
So long I have been broken.
So long I’ve wondered where He is.
So long I have wondered why He has left me and given up on me.
So long I have wondered…of my worth.
Much of this is due to lies I have and still continue at times to believe. Lies that have come through a broken relationship from a person that was supposed to be my forever love, the one I said ‘I do’ to. And yet that love faded and transformed into something grotesquely ugly and painful both for me and the children. And yet…God rescued me from that…no matter how much that rescue hurt and sometimes still hurts…He RESCUED me and my children out of something that could have turned much worse. I am CHERISHED that much. I am LOVED that much….and I am BEAUTIFUL TO HIM (the only one that matters).
The same is true for you.
God is rescuing you…but that salvation may hurt, it may come dangerously and turbulently…just like it is in the movies when a character is rescued from the bad guys. Sometimes we don’t want to be rescued…sometimes we grow attatched to our tourmentours and we even BELIEVE the lies the tourmentours feed us…ENOUGH.
Let Him rescue you.
He is saying something to you.
He is loving you.
He is not and WILL NOT give up on you.

MURPHY’S LAW FOR WRITERS

Recently I was speaking to a customer who’s appliance had broken, she was frustrated…but not just because the appliance, but also because they had run over a deer with their car (very expensive to fix the car…and poor deer).  In the course of the conversation she had a great positive attitude despite the frustration and she laughingly mentioned ‘Murphy’s Law’ (this theory basically states that anything that can go wrong….will go wrong).  In life this theory seems to be true, doesn’t it?

Well whether it’s true or not in life, I will tell you right here and right now that it MUST be true in fictional writing.  A good story will have a LOT of conflict (otherwise no one will bother to read it).  So, as you’re writing and you come up with conflict, ask yourself:  How can I make this situation ten times harder for my main character(s)?  (Of course you will also have to find a genius way of getting them OUT of the situation too).  Don’t let that intense scene end after just a few paragraphs, pull your readers in emotionally.  Make your reader FEEL that bullet.  Make your reader want to cry (even though they’ve never cried in their lives before).  Make your reader commit to the story by putting your character into such an impossible situation that they can’t imagine how they will ever get out of it.  (Of course you BETTER have a good way out)  Also, I would say make sure that you leave ‘bread crumbs’ or clues that will hint to what that way out might be.  Don’t just all of a sudden give your characters super powers when along the way of the whole story they didn’t have them….